Friday, January 9, 2009

4 Years

Four years ago today we lost a huge part of our Lawton family dynamic. It was a devastating shock, one that I don't think we will ever truly get over. You get on with your life and everything is okay, but you never stop thinking about the person you lost and you never forget them. The anniversaries have slowly gotten a little easier to handle and I have to say that it was really nice this year to be able to think about some memories and whisper them to Connor while he was eating. I will talk more about those in just a moment.

We had a tough day yesterday at the hospital -- everything is fine, just a day of worrying over some tests -- but it really made me realize how much I appreciate the people in my life. My mom is the most amazing person I have ever met and I really don't think I will ever meet anyone else quite like her. She is so strong and amazing and takes everything in stride. I would not be the person I am today without her and she is always the first person I call when I am upset or have exciting news to share. After Connor was born I really could only make one phone call (I needed to be good so that I could be wheeled in to see the little man) and I couldn't wait to call my mom and tell her that she was a grandma to the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. She was so excited and I just couldn't wait for her to get here to see him. My brother is also quite amazing. He is Connor's godfather and I truly could not think of anyone I would trust more. He is going to teach him so many things and be a person he can look to for advice when he doesn't feel comfortable talking to boring old momma and daddy. He is the best brother I could ever ask for and has been a rock for me to lean on when I needed it and constant entertainment when the time calls for it. One of the best memories I have is he and George tearing it up at our wedding -- it makes me happy just thinking about it. In these four years since my dad has left us, I have added two more people to our little family, Bj and Connor. I think its pretty obvious, but I think Bj is the most wonderful husband and father out there. He makes me laugh and smile and I love any situations and memories I have to share with him. He takes care of me and makes me happy. I couldn't ask for anything more. I can't wait to grow old with him and see where the adventures of parenthood take us in the future. Connor, our newest addition, is simply amazing. I still can't quite believe that we created him -- he is perfect in every way. I know we all just can't wait to watch him grow into a sweet little boy, toddler, teenager and man. It is going to be an amazing journey. He has my dad's middle name and I know that he will be watching over him and taking care of him.

I was talking to Connor while I fed him today and I was telling him some of the things I miss about my dad. As I am now a momma with a little baby, I have been singing "Rock A Bye Baby" to Connor and it made me think of all the times my dad sang it to me. I can remember him rocking me and thinking I was asleep, putting me down, only to have me make up to hear it just one more time. I miss calling my mom at work and pretending to be different people -- she would play along though she always knew it was us. I miss our lunch dates -- we had quite a few and I really miss that time with him. Overall, I just miss him -- his laugh, his smile, his love of music and his family. I can't wait to tell Connor all about him. He was a wonderful dad and I miss him everyday...I love you pops!

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