Thursday, March 12, 2009


I was watching Private Practice a few weeks ago and one of the women on the show was suffering from severe post-partum depression. I thought a little bit about this when I was in the hospital, but really had no idea what to expect and quite honestly it wasn't first and foremost in my mind. I did wonder if what I would feel like not being pregnant, but that was about it. I have to say, I don't know how post-partum goes for most women, but I feel very lucky. I haven't cried (except maybe in the middle of the night for lack of sleep, once...) and I haven't really felt that weird. I haven't looked back one day since Connor arrived and I have fallen so in love with him.

I was telling Steph while she was here how excited I was to meet Baby K. I looked at her and told her that she was about to enter the best part of her life. I told her that her life would never be the same, but it would be amazing. I meant every word of it, I think I fall more and more in love with Connor everyday. I think life in general has taken on a new meaning. So many decisions I make and ways I think things through are different because I am a mom now. My life and Bj's life has taken on a new light in my eyes. I remember one day cleaning out my closet in our apartment and the realization hitting me just how much I loved Bj. We weren't engaged yet, but I knew I could never live without him when I was panicked at the thought of him not being with me to experience life. I feel the same way about Connor -- I would do anything for him. Hands down anything to protect him and keep him safe as he grows in this world. I want to take the best care of myself so that I am around for him until he is an old man, as I never want him to feel the pain of losing a parent at a young age. I feel fulfilled in a way I never knew was missing. It is hands down the most amazing experience and I cannot wait for everything else it brings.

I was asking Bj the other day if he thought being a parent was easier/harder or about what he thought it would be. He said he didn't think it would be really hard until we juggled both of us back at work. I think it is easier than I though (so far!!) but so much harder in terms of sleep deprivation than I thought. I was in no way shape or form prepared for the sleepless nights. I am amazed when I realize that I can tell what he needs when he is upset and in awe when I can pick him up and that alone soothes him. I love that sense of being needed -- one of two people in this world who can comfort him completely. Other than the sleeplessness and the letting go of not being able to do it all, I think we have eased into parenthood rather well! I will have to remind myself to refer back to this post in 16 years when my sleepless night are back as I am worrying about my son DRIVING A CAR! :)

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